Holidays are less about celebrating presidents, saints, soldiers, freedom and family than about drinking, long weekends and “blowout” sales. Even Cinco de Mayo — which belongs to Mexico! — has been co-opted to add our own debauchery.
Here is what your current holiday calendar (/drinking game) looks like, America:
- New Year’s Eve: Drinking with a stop at midnight for “Woo!”
- Martin Luther King Day: Three-day weekend! **two-drink minimum
- Groundhog Day: Drinking likely involved in the making of this holiday.
- Valentine’s Day: Drinking, candy consumption, commercialized spending.
- Presidents’ Day: “Blowout” sales.
- St. Patrick’s Day: Drinking + Irish food and drinking.
- Easter: Candy consumption.
- *Cinco de Mayo: Drinking + Mexican food, *not even our holiday!
- Memorial Day: Three-day weekend** to start “summer.”
- Independence Day: Multiple-day weekend** with fireworks.
- Labor Day: Three-day weekend** to end “summer.”
- Rosh Hashanah/Yom Kippur: September off for Jewish people.
- Columbus Day: Drinking + Italian food.
- Veterans Day: “Blowout” sales.
- Halloween: Drinking in slutty costumes and candy consumption.
- Thanksgiving: Drinking, overeating and “blowout” sales.
- Christmas: Drinking and commercialized spending.
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